Wine is Bullshit.

Wine (noun) - an alcoholic beverage made from grapes (or other fruit)

Is (verb) - the third person singular of the present tense of be.

Bullshit (noun) - 1. exaggerated or foolish talk; nonsense. 2. deceitful or pretentious talk. 3. exaggerated zeal for ceremony…

The pretentious, gilded nature of wine is a facade, something we draped over it because of its age. Rituals have grown around it, archaic accessory usage, eye watering pricing, and even the titles. Do something long enough and it tends to pick up respectable, mysterious, even mythic qualities. Two decades ago I picked my first grape. I have learned in the interim the length and breath of the pedantry. During that time I have spoken intentionally on wine, taught wine classes, achieved certifications and degrees, planted vineyards, made lots of wine and a even couple good bottles here and there.

This is a form of therapy for me.

I am not an angry troll who will be lobbing insults. As I finished my return to higher education I really started to see the inherent traps in the industry, and reflected on what is real and what is not. The birth of my second child brought many things into the light. Now I get to talk about things that would get me kicked out of many wine groups I belong to or wine tasting rooms and bars that I frequent. Luckily you get something that is rare in the world of wine, honesty. Not the honesty of an information dump of every statistic about a wine, like some sort of chemistry lab mind vomit. But, the leveling without pretension, and I invite anyone to call me out when the pretension creeps back in. (I am already a bit behind the curve since my name contains a roman numeral). Not that I am above poking fun at some of the more ridiculous corners of the industry.

Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?

I am hoping that you dear reader like wine, perhaps even love it. You enjoy it enough to learn more about it. But most of all I hope you have already had your “Ah ha” moment, the thought that something does not add up. You continued to think critically even after you bought the second cheapest wine on the restaurant wine list. Went home after dinner, looked up the wine, and was shocked at the mark up. Then you learned that the second cheapest wine has the highest mark up because it is what most people buy. They do not want to look cheap so they do not buy the cheapest, and go one up from there. You recall the waiter saying, “Excellent choice,” and wondering if he really meant it. Do they ever say anything else? I am hoping you want to see how the sausage is made.

What to suspect.

Everything should be suspicious in the world of wine. From how the wine is made, to the story about the “family” that makes it, to why it is priced the way it is. I will tell you how wine can be used as a social weapon, a class divider, and a romantic tool. I will teach you how to use them without spending two decades immersed in it. When you must learn, I will give you enough to properly bullshit a Master Sommelier (hint: let them do all the talking, you will be their favorite person). I will also call out bullshit when it comes to my attention in the world of wine news. I will deliver this with humor, as none of this should be taken seriously. After all, it is just spoiled grape juice.

Cheers,

R. Carlson III

Thanks for reading How to Bullshit Wine! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.